I’m having a hard time right now. I feel lost, floating around, unfocused, unhappy from time to time. It’s not about turning 30, although all of a sudden that seems to be a big milestone too, this has been my mental state for a while now.
Writing it down feels akward. As a child I learned to deal with negative emotions by myself. I’m not the kind of person to call a friend to share my misery with. I’m very good at hiding my emotions. So making this confession is weird. I actually have tears in my eyes while I’m typing this.
I’m not really able to tell what the problem is. I’m not happy about a lot of things. On top of the list is, I guess, the way I function professionally. When I look back at the past four years, it feels as if I achieved nothing. A result of lack in focus, perhaps.
For quite a long time now I have this huge amount of energy burning inside, but I don’t know where to put the energy in. I don’t know what makes me tick, what my passion is. The built up energy doesn’t get a focus, so instead of making me very energetic and active, it de-activates me. I have a hard time focusing on work during the day, I have difficulties getting to sleep in the evening. As soon as my head touches the pillow, my mind starts spinning with all the wrong thoughts for a good night’s rest.
I recognize many signals from the time that I got depressed many years ago. That is not good. At least I recognize the signals, so question is: what can I do to get myself moving up again?
7 Comments
dear Elmine.
Im sorry to hear you’re not ok. if I where you I would talk to somebody, I talked to a coach when I was down a couple of years ago and it really helped.I don’t really want to give advise, but I think you shouldn’t be afraid to reach out during hard times.
Im thinking of you and will see you soon =) hugs
Thanks Henriette
I recognise some of the feelings. With me the need to work with others is part of the equation and I know now that this need can be addressed only partially in technology-mediated ways of collaborating. Although I do feel like getting somewhere with my PhD, it feels like being extremely unproductive and documenting “yesterday’s news” while everyone around moves on.
Not sure if it’s something for you, but may be engaging intensively in a project with others could help finding where your passion is…
Sorry to hear this.
My partner suffers depression (on and off) and I know it can be quite a traumatic experience for her (and me to a lesser extent).
The main thing is I believe (and don’t quote me, I am not a doctor) is to seek help, and you have identified your thoughts, so that is a good thing.
Whether medication is the option though, I don’t know.
Hopefully by the time you read this, you’re feeling better.
Just to let you all know that I am feeling better now. Making this confession and receiving warm responses made me feel part of the human species again
Not that I found my drive and passion all of a sudden, but at least (with help from my Birthday conference friends) I’m taking some steps in the right direction again.
Hi Elmine,
your mention of feeling like not having achieved anything hits me in the chest.
I’m with Henriette. I feel the same all the time, but talking (and working) with a coach helps me a lot (it’s still fooking hard work though..).
I think focus (as in work) is hokey. so, please, dont try to, it will only make you think harder.
what did you want to do in the first place?
and
you may find (or may not, but I am afraid that is the human condition) that you do make stuff happen (all by yourself). even if it is small it drives things.
Hou je taai vast (Indonesian grandma’s pun for “hold on to your shit”)
Hi Elmine,
I guess it is part of life or something. I am just this year (being 37) learning to let go of all expectations I think people / the world around me “has”/”have” on me. Being me, that is a lot of pressure trying to be so much more than I am humanly capable of and using force to achieve it.
In the end, it is mostly my self-created bullshit and part of the flawed social coding in an environment aimed at performance / prestige. (You saw the building at Vijzelgracht
I learned to “just do what is required” and use the rest of my time and mindspace to re-descover childish fun / discovery / amazement and wonder.
Also deep-breathing (where your middenrif opens up and you suddenly can inhale twice as much air) does wonders to me.